Booze it up

I am still registered with Monster.com though they did nothing for me while I was searching for a job. I still get sent the little newsletters and pep talk things meant to keep you psyched-up about your search for a job whilst on the brink of becoming a crazed, destitute whore willing to suck the kidney stones from the nearest HR manager…anything to avoid working at the nearest fast food restaurant.

The latest to hit my inbox had the provocative title, “Did You Know Drinking Can Boost Your Income?” Why, no, I did not, I thought to myself. And the ploy worked, I clicked the link. Now, before I’d actually read the story I ran a couple of likely scenarios through the wringer.

 1. If you’re drunk, you’re likely to put up with the kind of bullshit that would cause a sober person to turn postal. Therefore, since you are employed and agreeable you get the pay raise.

2. When inebriated, it’s much more likely you are willing to take it up the ass and this willingness is always looked upon favorably by your superiors. Bend over and you get a better salary.

3. You get your boss loaded and he/she confides in you something that should never be spoken or admitted ever to another person. Now you have blackmail and can extort a higher salary. Who turns the screws now, motherfucker!

4. You bang your boss. This really is a surefire way to filling your pockets with cash since you’ll either get a raise or rumors will start to fly (wonder who started those?) and if you get fired you’ve got a nice lawsuit. Remember to keep your soiled clothes locked away as evidence and you’ve won your case faster than you can say, “Monica Lewinsky”.

5. Then lastly I grew tired of trying to entertain myself with the kind of depraved reasons I’ve listed above and reasoned rationally that booze hounds are probably making deals at the bars and strip clubs, hence the higher pay.

It seems I was close to what the Monster.com article had to say with my final reason (I’m so f-ing smart). Here’s the stats:

“…a recent study published in the Journal of Labor Research (indicates), “drinkers earn 10 to 14 percent more than teetotalers, and…men who drink socially bring home an additional seven percent in pay.”

The study found that women do not see the same pay increase. Probably because we all know the real deals are going down at the local grindhouse where the boyz are hi-fiving between pitchers of beer and huge titties. Some things never change…

Sadly, the link for the Yahoo! article is dead.